


Hamilton Parodies

by Tiloopadoo



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Sleeping Beauty Fusion, Blackmail, Coma, Crossdressing, Different Perspective, Dubious Consent, Infidelity, Magic, Multi, Online Dating, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:26:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25163878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiloopadoo/pseuds/Tiloopadoo
Summary: The parodies of hamilton songs I create, I'm not very good at making them, but I want to share my creations.I do not own Hamilton or the original lyrics, but I was the one to make the parodies.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Maria Reynolds/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Original Female Character/Original Female Character, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is from an au I made where John pretends to be a women for love.

Ohh, I do I do I do I Dooo! Hey!  
Ohh, I do I do I do I Dooo!  
Boy, you got me helpless!  
Look into your eyes, and the sky's the limit I'm  
Helpless!  
Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em

I have never been the type that finds guys attractive  
We were at a revel with some rebels on a hot night  
Laughin' at my best friend as he's dazzling the room  
Then you walked in and my heart went  
"Gay!"

Worried what people would think of me  
Everybody's dancin' and the band's top volume  
Grind to the rhythm as we wine and dine  
Grab my best friend, and whisper  
"Yo, this one's mine." (Oooh)  
My best friend told Herc and told him to help me (Oooh)  
And I got nervous, thinking  
"What're they gonna do?" (Oooh)  
They grab me by the arm, I'm thinkin'  
"I'm through" (Oooh)  
Then they put me in a dress and told me that you'd be 

Helpless!  
Look into your eyes (Oh, look at those eyes)  
And the sky's the limit (Oh!)  
I'm helpless (I know)  
Down for the count  
And I'm drownin' in 'em

I'm helpless! (I'm so into you)  
Look into your eyes (I am so)  
And the sky's the limit (into you)  
I'm helpless! (I know)  
I'm down for the count  
And I'm drownin' in 'em

I just need to go up there and talk to him now  
U-um, hello there  
Hmm, I haven't seen you around, what might your name be  
Jen Laurens. It's a pleasure to meet you  
Laurens?  
The daughter of Henry Laurens  
Thank you for all your service  
If it takes fighting a war for us to meet  
It will have been worth it  
Oh fuck I'm so gay

One week later  
I'm writin' a letter nightly  
Now my life gets better  
Every letter that you write me  
Laughin' at my best friend, 'cause he regrets his decision  
I'm just sayin', if you really loved him, you should tell him  
Ha! Two weeks later  
In the living room hopin'  
Herc posed as my father  
Now you're asking for his blessin'  
I'm dying inside, as you wine and dine  
And I'm tryin' not to let my heart get to me  
'Cause there's nothing that your face can't do (Oooh)  
He makes his way across the room to you (Oooh)  
I panic for a second, thinking  
"Please dont mess uuuup" (Oooh)  
But then he shakes your hand and says  
"Be true" (Oooh)  
And you turn back to me, smiling, and I'm

Helpless!  
Look into your eyes  
And the sky's the limit, I'm  
Helpless!  
Down for the count (Woo)  
And I'm drownin' in 'em

I'm helpless!  
He's mine, that boy is mine!  
Look into your eyes  
And the sky's the limit, I'm  
Helpless! Helpless!  
Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em

Jen, I don't have a dollar to my name  
An acre of land, a troop to command  
A dollop of fame  
All I have's my honor, a tolerance for pain  
A couple of college credits and my top-notch brain  
Insane, your friends brings out a different side of me  
Herc confides in me, Lafayette tried to scare me out of this place  
No stress, my love for you is never in doubt  
We'll get a little place in Harlem and we'll figure it out  
I've been livin' without a family since I was a child  
My father left, my mother died, I grew up buckwild  
But I'll never forget my mother's face, that was real  
And long as I'm alive, Jen, swear to God, you'll never feel so

I do I do I do I do!  
Jen (Helpless!)  
I do I do I do I do!  
I've never felt so-  
Helpless! (Hey! Yeah, yeah!)  
Down for the count and  
I'm drownin' in 'em (Down for the count I'm)

My life is gon' be fine cuz Jen's in it  
I look into your eyes, and the sky's the limit I'm (Helpless!)  
Down for the count  
And I'm drownin' in 'em

In New York, you can be a woman  
In New York, you can be a woman  
In New York, you can be a woman  
Helpless!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A story about me and my girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be safe about dating people on the internet, me and her had a mutual friend who has met us both in real life, so while we hadn't seen eachother in real life, we knew that we were talking to who we thought we were, be safe on the internet.

Ohh, I do I do I do I Dooo! Hey!  
Ohh, I do I do I do I Dooo!  
Girl, you got me helpless!  
Dream about your eyes, and the sky's the limit I'm  
Helpless!  
Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em

I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight  
We were doing our own things in the groupchat with the mat gang on a boring day  
Laughin' at Leia as she's sharing funny pictures  
Then you asked about hetalia and my heart went  
"Boom!"

Talking about hetalia, annoying everyone else  
Everybody's yelling and we move to private chat  
Talk about it for hours  
Text Leia, and say  
"Yo, this one's mine." (Oooh)  
Leia told me all about you, mentioned a crush (Oooh)  
And I got nervous, thinking  
"What am I supposed to do?" (Oooh)  
She's saying she'll ask you about a crush on me, I'm thinkin'  
"This is stupid" (Oooh)  
Then you send me a funny text and suddenly I'm

Helpless!  
Dream about your eyes (Oh, look at those eyes)  
And the sky's the limit (Oh!)  
I'm helpless (I know)  
Down for the count  
And I'm drownin' in 'em

I'm helpless! (I'm so into you)  
Dream about your eyes (I am so)  
And the sky's the limit (into you)  
I'm helpless! (I know)  
I'm down for the count  
And I'm drownin' in 'em

Me: hey, could I get a picture of you  
You: Sure, can i see you as well  
Me: Sure  
Me: wow, you're so pretty  
You: everything about you is so pretty  
Me: thanks  
You: thanks also  
Me to the mat gang: GUYS SHE CALLED ME PRETTY  
Leia: you can do it

One week later  
We are texting eachother daily  
Now my life gets better  
Every text that you write me  
Laughin' at Leia, 'cause she wants to set us up  
I'm just sayin', I can ask her what she thinks of you  
Ha! Two weeks later  
In my head, stressing  
My head spinning from the possibilities  
Wondering if I should ask you out  
I'm dying inside, as you tell me happy Valentine's  
And I'm tryin' not to cry  
'Cause there's nothing that your mind can't do (Oooh)  
I end up blurting out that I like you  
I panic for a second, thinking  
"What did i do" (Oooh)  
You are silent for I second before texting back "me too" (ooh)  
And you tell me how I mean to you, and I'm

Helpless!  
Dream about your eyes  
And the sky's the limit, I'm  
Helpless!  
Down for the count (Woo)  
And I'm drownin' in 'em

I'm helpless!  
She's mine, that girl is mine!  
Dream about your eyes  
And the sky's the limit, I'm  
Helpless! Helpless!  
Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em

Tilly, we have to keep this from my mother  
She's homophobic, would never accept us,  
Yell at us  
But your the best thing that has ever happened to me  
We will get through this  
Insane, your friends brings out a different side of me  
Ellie let's me confide in her, Ashley tried to take a bite of me  
No stress, my love for you is never in doubt  
We'll get a little place in the future and work it all out  
I've been livin' with a terrible family since I was a child  
My brother is annoying, my mother doesn't care, I grew up feeling weak  
But I'll never forget your love, that is real  
And long as I'm alive, Tilly, swear to God, you'll never feel so

I do I do I do I do!  
Tilly (Helpless!)  
I do I do I do I do!  
I've never felt so-  
Helpless! (Hey! Yeah, yeah!)  
Down for the count and  
I'm drownin' in 'em (Down for the count I'm)

My life is gon' be fine cuz Tilly's in it  
I dream about your eyes, and the sky's the limit I'm (Helpless!)  
Down for the count  
And I'm drownin' in 'em


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My girlfriend once told me about an idea she had about how Thomas was sleeping beauty and he had just gotten woken up and he wanted to know what was happening so this happened.

Seventeen, se- se- seventeen  
Se- se- seventeen

Seventeen eighty-nine  
How does the bastard orphan, immigrant decorated war vet  
Put a spell on a Virginian influence?  
Fight the other founding fathers 'til he has to forfeit?  
Have it all, lose it all  
You ready for more yet?  
Treasury Secretary, Washington's the President  
Every American experiment sets a precedent  
Not so fast, when someone came along to resist him  
Pissed him off until he dabbled into magic  
You haven't met him yet, you haven't had the chance  
'Cause he's been off in a comatose as the years went by  
But someone's gotta keep the American promise  
You simply must meet Thomas, Thomas

Thomas Jefferson's waking up  
Thomas Jefferson's waking up  
Thomas Jefferson's waking up  
Thomas Jefferson's waking up  
Thomas Jefferson's waking up Lord he's been off in a comatose for so long  
(Aaa-ooo)  
(Aaa-ooo)

It's been so long, since I've been awake  
There is no more status quo  
But the sun comes up and the world still spins

I had been asleep for so many years  
Then all of a sudden I'm awake  
I must be in Monticello?  
Now the work at home begins

So what'd I miss?  
What'd I miss?  
Virginia, my home sweet home, I wanna give you a kiss  
I've been in a comatose like those fairytale ladies  
I guess I basically missed the late eighties  
Hadn't traveled a single step yet came back to this

Aaa-ooo

There's a letter on a desk from the President  
Haven't even gotten up yet, stood up shaking like a lamb, need to remember how to open it  
It says the President's assembling a cabinet  
And that I am to be the Secretary of State, great  
And that I'm already Senate-approved  
I just got up and now I'm headed up to New York

Headin' to New York, headin' to New York

Lookin' at the world around me is it true that we are free?

Ready to face, whatever's awaiting  
Me in N.Y.C.

But who's waitin' for me when I step out the door?  
My savior James Madison, red in the face

He grabs my arm  
And I respond, what's goin' on? (Aa-oo)

Thomas, we are engaged in a battle for our nation's very soul  
Can you get us out of the mess we're in?

Hamilton's new financial plan is nothing less than government control  
I've been fighting for the South alone  
You know what we have to do

No, I've been asleep (aa-ooo)  
We have to win

What'd I miss? (What'd what'd what'd I miss)  
What'd I miss? (I've come home to this)  
Headfirst into a political abyss (headfirst, into the abyss)

I have my first cabinet meeting today (chik-a-pow)  
I guess I better think of something to say  
I'm already on my way get to the bottom of this  
(What did I miss?) aa-ooo

Mr. Jefferson, welcome home  
Mr. Jefferson (Alexander Hamilton)  
Mr. Jefferson, welcome home  
Mr. Jefferson, welcome home, sir, you've been off in a comatose for so long

Okay, but seriously, what did I miss?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any ideas for a parody I could do, tell me the plot and the song you want it to be of, I'll try to make it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had this idea, it wasn't completely made, but I decided to publish it anyways, this is another installment of my crossdressing Laurens au.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering why Alex was trying to say no before he knew John was a guy, it's because he didn't want to take advantage of him while he was drunk.

There's nothing like summer in the city  
Someone under stress meets someone looking pretty  
There's trouble in the air, you can smell it  
And Alexander's workin' to death, I'll let him tell it

I hadn't slept in a week  
I was weak, I was awake  
You've never seen a bastard orphan more in need of a break  
Longing for a break  
Missing time with my wife  
That's when my wife got drunk and she let out a secret, she said

I know it's so unlady like  
But I thought it would be alright since I'm at home  
And now the house is empty, and we are all alone

She said

I have things I want to tell you that are  
Beatin' me, eatin' me, breakin' me  
But I know you'd be up and gone  
And if have no means to go on

So I offered her my hand, I offered to walk her to our bed, she said

You're too kind, love

I gave her some water I had forgotten to drink  
She stumbled to our room, she said

Glad your mine, love

Then I said, "Well, I should head back to work"  
She turned red, she led me to our bed  
Let her legs spread and said

Stay

Hey

Hey

That's when I began to pray  
Lord, show me how to say no to this  
I don't know how to say no to this

But my God, she looks so helpless  
And her body's saying, "Hell, yes"

Whoa

No, show me how to say no to this

I don't know how to say no to this

In my mind, I'm tryin' to go (go, go, go)

Even when I feel hardness on my hip, I still don't say

No, no (say no to this)  
No, no (say no to this)  
No, no (say no to this)  
No, no (say no to this)

I wish I could say that I had left him  
I said that so long ago, yet I still love him  
A month after that endeavor I received a letter  
From a Mr. James Reynolds, even better, it said

Dear Sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health  
And in a prosperous enough position to put wealth  
In the pockets of people like me down on their luck  
You see, I know that was a man who you decided to (fuuuu)

Uh oh, you made the wrong sucker a knower  
So time to pay the piper for the pants you unbuckled  
And hey, you can keep seein' that gay whore  
If the price is right, if not I'm telling the world

I hid the letter and I raced to our room  
Screamed, "How could you?" In his face, he said

No, love

Half crying, apologetic, a mess, he looked pathetic, he cried

Please don't go, love

So was your whole story a setup?

I don't know about any letter (stop crying God dammit, get up)

I didn't know any better (I am ruined)

Please don't leave me with alone helpless (I am helpless how could I do this?)  
Just give him what he wants and you can keep me (I don't want you, I don't want you)

Whatever you want, if you pay

I can stay (Lord, show me how to say no to this)  
I don't know how to say no to this  
But this situation's helpless (helpless)

And his body's screaming, "Hell, yes"

No, show me how to say no to this (whoa)  
How can I say no to this?  
There is nowhere I can go (go, go, go)

When his body's on mine I do not say (no) yes

Say no to this

Say no to this, I don't say no to this  
There is nowhere I can go (go, go, go)  
So?

Nobody needs to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I have now realised that I never told you why Alex didn't know John was a guy, well, in this au I said that John had told Alex that he was sexually abused as a child and has trauma of having sex, and Alex respected that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a tiny thing I made, it wasn't as built as the others, but I liked it and didn't want to make more of it, so here you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was about the first time me and my girlfriend spent talking to eachother past midnight, it was also the time I realised I had feelings for her.

I remember that night, I just might  
Remember that night for the rest of my days  
I remember reading a fanfic  
And sending the author my praise  
I remember that dreamlike state I was hoping for

That day was like a dream that you can't quite place

But oh Grace, I'll never forget the first time we stayed up together late  
I have never been the same  
Talking about out lives and our similar interests  
And when you continued talking I forgot my dang words  
Set my heart aflame, ev'ry part aflame  
That's when I realised my feelings weren't a game


	6. Chapter 6

The Laurens Pamphlet

Have you read this?

Alexander Hamilton had a torrid secret  
Yet he wrote it down right there

Highlights

The charge against me  
Is a connection with the  
Laurens family  
For purposes of  
Improper speculation  
My real crime is an  
Amorous connection with John Laurens  
For a considerable time  
With both of our consent

I had frequent meetings with him  
Most of them under the lie of writing essays

What a lie  
What a lie  
Damn

Mrs. Hamilton waiting for me to be home  
Came along after Laurens

No

Boo

Have you read this?

Well, he's never gon' be President now  
Never gon' be President now

Well, he's never gon' be President now  
Never gon' be President now

He's never gon' be President now  
Never gon' be President now

That's one less thing to worry about  
That's one less thing to worry about

I came as soon as I heard

What?

Angelica

All the way from London?  
Damn

Angelica, thank God  
Someone who understands what I'm struggling here to do

I'm not here for you

Oh

I know my sister like I know my own mind  
You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind  
I love my sister more than anything in this life  
I will choose her happiness over mine every time  
Put what we had aside  
I'm standing at her side  
You could never be satisfied  
God, I hope you're satisfied

Well, he's never gon' be President now (never gon' be President now)  
Well, he's never gon' be President now (never gon' be President now)  
Well, he's never gon' be President now (never gon' be President now)  
That's one less thing to worry about (that's one less thing to worry about)  
Hey (he's never gonna be President now)  
At least he was honest with our money  
Hey (he's never gonna be President now)  
He's never gon' be President now  
He's never gon' be President now

At least he was honest with our money

That's one less thing to worry about  
That's one less thing to worry about  
The Laurens Pamphlet  
Have you read this?  
You ever see somebody ruin their own life?

His poor wife


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alot has been going on in my life this past month, one thing that has happened is that I have finally gotten rid of a toxic friend, and since I cope with stuff by making stuff, I made a parody of congratulations where I yell my feelings out at her

Congratulations;  
You've invented a new kind of stupid  
A damage you can never undo  
Kind of stupid  
An open all the cages in the zoo  
Kind of stupid  
Clearly, you didn't think this through,  
Kind of stupid

Let's review

You took a thing a few  
Maybe two people knew  
And refuted it by calling us out  
Even though no one had asked you  
I begged you to think about your mistakes  
You refused to

So scared of what your enemies will do to you  
But you're the only enemy you ever seem to lose to!  
You know, [Enemy] can do what she wants  
She doesn't dignify schoolyard taunts with a response!  
So yeah, congratulations!

You've redefined yourself, congratulations

I'm sorry

Sorry?

I languished in a toxic friendship for a year  
I stayed only to have someone who "cared"  
I look at us and think,  
"God, what have we done with our lives,  
And what did it get us?"

That doesn't wipe the tears or the year away  
But I'm back in a chat with you  
And I'm here for now

You know what I'm here to do?

I'm not here for you

I thought I knew you like I knew my own mind  
Thought I'd never find anyone as "trusting" or as "kind"  
And a million years ago  
I thought,  
"This one will stay,"  
So I,  
Stood by...

Do you know why?!

I cared for you more than anything in this life!  
I started to choose your happiness over mine  
Every time  
You!  
Are the worst thing in my life  
And never lose sight of the fact  
That you have been blessed with the best people

Congratulations  
For the rest of your life!  
Every "sorry" better be true to your new friends  
Treat them better!

Congratulations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost uploaded this with her enemies full name, woops


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write say no to this from Maria's perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was quite hard since Alexander and Maria had much different stories about the affair, this was also only from my knowledge so there might be some things missing.

There's nothing like summer in the city  
I was under stress but I had to look pretty  
There's trouble in the air, you can smell it  
And this man was by himself, this is how I tell it

I was scared for a week  
I was weak, I was in pain  
But the entire time my husband kept tugging on my chain  
Longing to protect my child  
To be a good wife  
That's when I was forced into his life, I said

I know you are a man of honor  
I'm so sorry to bother you at home  
But I don't know where to go, and I came here all alone

I said

My husband's doin' me wrong  
Beatin' me, cheatin' me, mistreatin' me  
Suddenly he's up and gone  
I don't have the means to go on

So he offered me a loan, he offered to walk me home, I said

You're too kind, sir

He gave me thirty bucks that made panic start to brew  
My house came into view, I said

This one's mine, sir

Then he said, "Well, I should head back home"  
I forced myself to swallow my pride, I led him inside  
Layed on my bed and before I could stop myself to hide I said

Stay

Hey

Hey

That's when I began to pray  
Lord, show me why I couldn't to say no to this  
I wish I could've said no to this

But my God, I just had to be helpless  
And with my child at stake I had to say, "Hell, yes"

Whoa

Please, let him say no to this

I want him to say no to this

In my mind, I'm hoping he'll go (go, go, go)

Then his mouth is on mine, and I can't say

No, no (say no to this)  
No, no (say no to this)  
No, no (say no to this)  
No, no (say no to this)

I hoped that time was the last time  
I hoped that every time, it became his pastime  
A month into this endeavor I received a beating  
From my husband, James Reynolds, while it was heating, he said

You whore, giving away your body to keep Susan in good health  
But at least I'm now in a position to gain wealth  
You're in the pocket a mastermind like me, and because of your luck  
I now get money from the man I decided for you to (fuuuu)

And maybe, you'll get to see your child healthy  
But thats only if you manage to make me wealthy  
And hey, you keep playing as my whore wife  
But if you let it slip about me, I'll ruin your entire life

We heard Alexander at our door and James raced out the place  
Alecander screamed, "How could you?" In my face, I said

No, sir

I realised I was half dressed, on the floor, a mess, I must have looked pathetic, I cried

Please don't go, sir

So was your whole story a setup?

I wished I never had to do any of this (stop crying God dammit, get up)

I didn't know any better (I am ruined)

Please don't leave me with him helpless (I'd still be helpless what would even change?)  
Just give him what he wants and you can have me (I don't want him, I don't want this)

Whatever you want, if you pay

You can stay (Lord, I just want to say no to this)  
If only I could say no to this  
But I've always been so helpless (helpless)

I have to pretend I want to say, "Hell, yes"

No, please make him say no to this (whoa)  
Am I able to say no to this?  
There is nowhere I can go (go, go, go)

When his body's on mine it's too late for me to say (no)

I want to say no to this

Say no to this, I can't say no to this  
There is nowhere I can go (go, go, go)

After he gave my husband the money my husband was filled with glee

If only someone knew what it was like for me


End file.
